Be selfish so that you can give more. How can we be selfish yet still give? It starts by redefining our perception of selfishness. I redefine selfishness in a way that positions selfishness as a positive action for your hauora (well-being). The key for this health-care method is the allocation of time to be selfish. As a result, you will find your hauora becomes nourished. This post is directed to those who are striving to give to others yet find themselves low on energy and burning the candle at both ends. However, this information may be a tool to care for yourself. Either way, let’s view selfishness as a skill we should all desire! Yes, a skill. Be selfish to recharge, rebalance, and refresh in every moment.
There are different ways to being selfish but, I beg you to, be selfish with the foundation of love; to love others and also love yourself. I am weary of using this word love as it may not resonate with many people. I do not find many people who model what healthy, life-giving love looks and feels like. For this reason, you may like to think of love in its broken down components of kindness and care. Now, down to nitty-gritty. What does positive-selfishness actually look like. Selfishness is Tender-Loving-Care, to Be Kind/Gentle, and to Schedule in ‘Me-Time’.
Tender-Loving-Care
My Mother always used this phrase ‘TLC’, known to us kids as, ‘Tender-loving-care’. Whenever we were sick at home, or feeling a little low, my Mum would book us in for a TLC day. This idea of TLC should continue into our everyday life as we grow older. A simple way to understand how we can show tender-loving-care to ourselves is to explain it through the 5-love languages: Quality Time, Physical Touch, Gift-giving, Acts of Service, and Words of Affirmation. Out of these five love languages it is common to feel loved by giving or receiving one of these predominately. When you first read over this, try to think of what you dominantly do to show and receive kindness to others (friends, family, significant other, strangers). Perhaps you love giving gifts but hate receiving them since you would prefer having quality time. There are a multitude of combinations with these languages. Once you’ve read this once, re-read this section with the focus of giving/receiving that love from yourself to yourself. Put simply, look at each love language and recognise that the SAME way you show and receive love to and from others is the same way you can give love to yourself.
Quality Time Spending time with others can be expressed in various fashions. It may be through verbal, non-verbal, physical, non-physical exchanges but the key to quality time is to be with the person you desire to connect with. Enjoying a cup of tea, going out for a meal, sharing an activity/experience, or doing the small things with great joy in good company (yes, your own company counts as good company!).
Physical Touch Ranges from a slight touch to a deep expression of physical affection. This may alter depending who you are receiving or expressing physical touch to. This may be in casual ways that have become so common in your daily life that you may not even realise you're doing it. Hugging, massage, or sitting close to someone (self: physical relaxation of your body through Progressive-Muscle-Relaxation, stretching, or a bath).
Gift-Giving Offering or receiving a present as a visual representation of love. Comes in various shapes, sizes, prices but all share the common thread of thoughtfulness. That meaningful gift that brightens a day; a coffee, a book, or a gym membership. A gift doesn’t have to be bought. Instead, it is the gesture of investing in or giving to someone.
Acts of Service Actions speak louder than words. Offering or accepting a helping hand to remove a chore/responsibility or somehow enhance the daily outcome through showing love. Making a cuppa, cleaning up (dishes, living space, folding laundry), running a bath, going out of your way to get something from the shop for a treat/medicine.
Words of Affirmation Speaking positively into the life of others. Saying aloud or putting into words very genuine and sincere thoughts to build someone up in a way they will truly hear it. Sending a love-letter/hand-written note, encouragement, checking in with someone, sharing positive/uplifting quotes, highlighting good traits/qualities/characteristics of a person.
Be Kind/Gentle
This idea is simple. Be kind and gentle to yourself. If you are feeling low from your day or about yourself the last thing you want to hear is someone kicking you when you are down….yet, so often, we mentally speak down to ourselves. If you could take that negative voice(s) of yourself and manifest it into a human being…would you be friends with yourself? Instead of listening to that voice that constantly beats you down, be the friend that you genuinely want to be to others. A caring friend that shows kindness to you in any situation and gently speaks with you to understand and be compassionate. Be your own best-friend that you want to be to others. It is that simple. Be gentle with yourself and show some form of kindness to yourself everyday. When you love someone (family, friend, significant other and so on) it is no hassle to show them kindness. Whether that is expressed in getting them a cup of tea of saying something you admire about them. And it shouldn’t be any different when you are show love and care to yourself.
Schedule in ‘Me-Time’
A significant component to selfishness, to show self-love (care), is to allocate time for yourself. This requires strong boundaries around ‘Me-Time’. Now, me-time does not have to be reclusion from society. It is an easy way of saying…take time to think about what YOU really want to do in that set, scheduled time. You may start with only 30minutes a day of me-time but aim for a me-day! It is not as hard as perceived. A me-day is simply a day where you have the freedom to choose if you throw the blankets back over your head to read in bed or if you go out to hang out with some quality, low-maintenance friends who re-fill your energy/spirit. Scheduling a time for yourself is crucial to establish a balanced lifestyle. If you cannot yet accept doing this purely for your own health then think of it as you doing it for others. You can only give to them as much as you have in-stock. Through creating time to enrich your wellness results in your ability to give more back to those around you; in ways you didn’t know were humanly possible.
Be selfish. Be conscious and aware of your needs (hauora) and realise that as you look out for yourself more, consequently, expands your strength and capacity to give to those around you. Each of the concepts TLC, Be Kind/Gentle, & ‘Me-Time/Day’ are hearty topics that I am happy to go into more detail about at any time. Leave a comment below on your thoughts or want for any expansion on anything covered in this blog. Do something kind for yourself today, not because you may or may not deserve it, but because you are a human that is worthy of love (care) even from yourself.
For more information, check out this great video I found subsequent to this blog post: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-kArjCybqpc
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